1 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,100 I'm H -A -P -P -Y. 2 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,460 I'm H -A -P -P -Y. 3 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,720 I know I am, I'm sure I am. 4 00:00:32,180 --> 00:00:39,020 I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H 5 00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:40,880 -A -P -P -Y. 6 00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:48,280 Have you noticed something? 7 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,740 Have you noticed how tidy we've become since the television cameras arrived? 8 00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:53,860 What do you expect, Figgis? We're going to be on television. 9 00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:57,220 We don't want everything to be in a muddle. Why not? Why can't we have the 10 00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:59,620 old grotty mess with a few dead bodies lying around? 11 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,580 This isn't going to show the reality of the situation. 12 00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:06,820 Everybody going around with toothpaste smiles and being unnaturally nice to 13 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:10,240 other. That's nonsense, Figgis. We're all being perfectly natural. 14 00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:13,380 If you're being perfectly natural, where are your glasses? 15 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:16,600 I didn't want to wear them today. 16 00:01:17,150 --> 00:01:19,110 I thought the light might reflect in the lens. 17 00:01:19,890 --> 00:01:23,130 Besides, I think I look better without them. Oh, no, but you can't see as well, 18 00:01:23,210 --> 00:01:24,710 can you? You keep bumping into things. 19 00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:27,510 I hope you're not called upon to give an injection, that's all. 20 00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:31,570 Did you hear that? He thinks he looks better without them. It's all going to 21 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:35,030 a complete waste of time. It's going to give a totally false impression. 22 00:01:35,270 --> 00:01:37,910 No, that's where you're wrong, Fig. They always say no matter how you try and 23 00:01:37,910 --> 00:01:40,130 cover things up, the camera never lies. 24 00:01:40,430 --> 00:01:43,970 No, but it can stretch it a bit, especially around here. Have you seen 25 00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:45,520 He's all sweetness and light. 26 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:50,320 Why can't he act naturally and be the normal, miserable person we've all come 27 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,320 know and hate? 28 00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:54,360 And why does he hog the camera all the time? 29 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:58,180 Well, it is supposed to be a day in his life, Fig. Yes, and whose idea was that? 30 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,440 It's always the doctors and never the patients. And who takes all the risks 31 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,860 round here? We do. And we never get a look in. 32 00:02:05,740 --> 00:02:09,180 All we ever get's a trembling hand over the blanket and a quavering voice 33 00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:10,440 saying, God bless you, Doctor. 34 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,980 It's always been the same ever since Doctor Kildare. 35 00:02:14,540 --> 00:02:17,800 Faceless patients and Richard Chamberlain having it a way down the 36 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,160 This way, this way. 37 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,580 I shouldn't panic, Archie. They won't come in here. 38 00:02:21,820 --> 00:02:25,180 Nevertheless, I think I'll just slip a comb through my hair. 39 00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:30,890 You never know. Just listen to him. He's been following them around all morning. 40 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:34,130 You're a real camera freak, aren't you, Archie? Certainly not, Figgis. It's just 41 00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:36,570 that I'm curious to see what's going on, that's all. 42 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:40,230 What's Thorpe doing now, Archie? They're shooting him coming down the corridor. 43 00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:42,730 Shooting him? That's the best idea they've had all day. 44 00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:48,030 That's a technical term, Figgis. It means they're filming him coming down 45 00:02:48,030 --> 00:02:50,290 corridor. But he's been doing that for the last hour. 46 00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:53,270 They don't like his walk. Neither do I. We don't see why we should have to have 47 00:02:53,270 --> 00:02:54,270 it on film. 48 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,740 He's been making a complete mess of things. All he had to do this morning 49 00:02:57,740 --> 00:03:00,260 get out of the car, pick up his briefcase and walk into the hospital. 50 00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:01,460 It took him two hours. 51 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:05,020 First of all, he got his foot caught in the seatbelt and fell out of the car. 52 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,280 Then he forgot his briefcase and when he finally entered the hospital, he walked 53 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,280 straight into a glass door. 54 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,480 It was a complete shambles. 55 00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:14,750 Gary and Phil didn't like it at all. 56 00:03:15,090 --> 00:03:16,730 You mean those two in the pink shirt? 57 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:20,790 The producer and the director, Figgis. Maybe more at home with Jack and Ori. 58 00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:23,930 First sign of a real disease, they'll be straight out through them doors. 59 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,490 If they want real drama, they ought to come in here. 60 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,390 They don't want a day in the life of Gordon Thorpe. 61 00:03:29,730 --> 00:03:31,890 They want a day in the death of Royston Figgis. 62 00:03:32,150 --> 00:03:35,650 Ah, just as I thought. You want to get in front of those cameras, don't you, 63 00:03:35,750 --> 00:03:38,230 Figgis? Well, I wouldn't mind. At least I could speak up for the patients. 64 00:03:38,430 --> 00:03:40,130 Tell them the truth about this hospital. 65 00:03:40,690 --> 00:03:42,170 I was on television once. 66 00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:48,180 Were you, Norman? 67 00:03:48,860 --> 00:03:49,960 What were you doing? 68 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:52,420 I was holding a tin of beans. 69 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,780 You mean it was a commercial? 70 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,500 No, closed circuit at Tesco's. 71 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,940 I look quite good. 72 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,700 In fact, I think I'd make a good television performer. 73 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,120 Doing what? 74 00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:09,580 Well, presenting Blue Peter on Magpie. 75 00:04:09,820 --> 00:04:13,640 Sitting around in jeans and a jersey, talking to the children, showing them 76 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:14,920 to make things out of egg boxes. 77 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:17,300 I'd be good at that. 78 00:04:17,980 --> 00:04:20,779 I've always thought that I'd go down rather well on the box. 79 00:04:21,579 --> 00:04:22,920 That's what television needs today. 80 00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:24,180 A new face. 81 00:04:24,460 --> 00:04:25,740 Nothing new about your face. 82 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,640 There would be on television. What we need is a new approach, a return to 83 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,480 and glamour and the days of Macdonald Hobley. 84 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,140 I think I'll just go and freshen up. 85 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,400 Oh, give over. You're trying to get in front of them cameras again. 86 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,440 You'll be there grinning away with the rest of them. 87 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,760 dream of doing anything so vulgar, I guess. No, if they want me, they'll have 88 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:49,760 ask for me. 89 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,280 Do you think you could try that walk down the corridor again, Mr Thorpe? Only 90 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,320 this time, try and forget the camera. 91 00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:59,320 It's just an ordinary morning. Keep the walk perfectly natural. 92 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,200 Perfectly natural. Right, Gary. 93 00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:02,900 Okay. 94 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,260 And roll VTR. 95 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:11,840 Okay. 96 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,080 Mr Thorpe, do you always walk like that? 97 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:38,560 Yes, I think so. 98 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:43,060 Well, do you think this time you could do it a little slower with less 99 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:44,500 Less flourish? 100 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,040 Certainly. 101 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,120 OK. 102 00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:27,740 if you aren't walking straight into the ward. 103 00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:28,979 In here? 104 00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:30,060 If you wouldn't mind. 105 00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,600 Have I got to? Please, Mr Thorpe, we are in a hurry. 106 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:34,800 Very well. 107 00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:37,340 OK. 108 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:39,100 Action. 109 00:06:42,620 --> 00:06:44,000 Yes. Who? 110 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,940 Can't you see I'm being filmed? Are you? Where? 111 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:49,560 Oh, it's me. 112 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:52,120 Hello. 113 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,660 I didn't realise, but since I'm here... 114 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,100 point of view. 115 00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:05,940 I do have a few comments to make, which I think may be of interest to the 116 00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:08,560 viewer. Gupta, get Tiggis back into bed at once. 117 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:09,779 Shut up, Mr. 118 00:07:09,780 --> 00:07:10,780 Thorpe. 119 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:13,660 Gupta, what's happened to your glasses? 120 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,520 I took them off. I thought I'd look back at them. 121 00:07:16,260 --> 00:07:19,440 Just get Tiggis back into bed, will you? All right, all right. If you want a 122 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,560 bland, boring film with no human interest, that's your affair. 123 00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:24,020 Can't be, yes? 124 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:26,360 I'm sorry about that, Gary. 125 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,640 Never mind, Mr. Thorpe. There's always one. 126 00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:30,020 There's more than one. 127 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:36,140 Now, Mr Thorpe, we want you to go across to a patient and talk to him so that we 128 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:38,040 can observe your understanding and compassion. 129 00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:40,600 Yes, well, let's get on with it while I've still got something left. 130 00:07:41,220 --> 00:07:45,380 Okay, and I need to try a dummy run this time, Mr Thorpe. 131 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:51,800 Well, 132 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,760 Norman, how are we feeling today, old chap? 133 00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:00,420 Oh, could you hold this hand, Mr Thorpe? What? 134 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,059 Oh, yes, I see. 135 00:08:04,060 --> 00:08:05,400 Norman, could I hold your hand? 136 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,160 Certainly, Mr Thorpe. 137 00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:10,420 And look into his eyes when you're talking to him. 138 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,980 We want to feel the warmth, the feeling of a kindly father figure. 139 00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:18,580 I think we've got something here, Phil. He's got a wonderful face. 140 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,340 Business before pleasure, Gary. 141 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,340 Very much better, thank you, Doctor. And may I say it's due to your skill and 142 00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:34,100 care that I find myself in this happy position after months of pain. 143 00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:42,020 Splendid. Well, we'll soon have you on your feet again, punting the leather, 144 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,560 playing football with the best of them. 145 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,180 Yes, I look forward to that, Doctor. I look forward to playing football with 146 00:08:48,180 --> 00:08:49,180 best of them. 147 00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:51,180 Splendid. Well, that's fine. That's great. 148 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,800 Look, we'll just set up the lights, then we'll shoot it. Um, should we have 149 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,060 coffee? Oh, right. 150 00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:57,460 Gary. 151 00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:58,680 Very nice. 152 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,140 I'm going to be on television, V. 153 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:02,880 I'm going to be on television! 154 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,560 Yes, I suppose you are. 155 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,660 I only hope you can pull it off, that's all. 156 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,380 Still, as long as you don't have any trouble with the old nerves, you should 157 00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:13,740 all right. I don't have any trouble with my nerves, V. Come on, whenever you're 158 00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:15,200 under pressure, you start getting that twitch. 159 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:19,320 That little muscle in your cheek begins to whirl. That's all going to show on 160 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,320 television, you know. 161 00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:24,600 They're going to see every crafty movement of your eyes, every 162 00:09:25,310 --> 00:09:27,070 The involuntary lick of the dry lips. 163 00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:29,050 The beads of sweat on the brow. 164 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:32,250 Your total falseness revealed to millions. 165 00:09:32,610 --> 00:09:37,130 What falseness? What do you mean, Fig? The camera may never lie, but you 166 00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:39,710 certainly do. You've never played football in your life. 167 00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:42,150 Well, no, but I played table tennis. 168 00:09:42,510 --> 00:09:45,750 Well, that's hardly the same thing, is it? You were sitting there passing 169 00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,530 yourself off as a second Kevin Keegan. 170 00:09:48,530 --> 00:09:50,270 Oh, what's that for? 171 00:09:50,610 --> 00:09:51,610 It's a microphone. 172 00:09:51,670 --> 00:09:53,570 See, now you're wired for every sound. 173 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,310 I hope your stomach doesn't start rumbling. 174 00:09:56,930 --> 00:10:00,150 I'm afraid I shall have to take it off. I've got to go somewhere. 175 00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:02,130 Well, they certainly don't want to hear you in there. 176 00:10:05,350 --> 00:10:07,690 Nerves, you see, always gets the bladder first. 177 00:10:12,290 --> 00:10:13,450 OK, everyone ready? 178 00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:17,130 OK. 179 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,910 Action. Well, and how are we feeling today? 180 00:10:21,290 --> 00:10:23,770 Very much better, thank you, Doctor. 181 00:10:25,170 --> 00:10:26,310 Oh, excuse me. 182 00:10:26,650 --> 00:10:28,650 Should we hold hands now or later? 183 00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:29,970 Cut. 184 00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:32,630 Hold hands whenever you feel like it. 185 00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,110 Chase me. 186 00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:37,430 Shall we start again? 187 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:38,549 I'm sorry. 188 00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:39,550 Okay. 189 00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:40,990 Okay. 190 00:10:41,950 --> 00:10:47,450 Action. Well, how are we doing today, old chap? Very much better, thank you, 191 00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:50,730 Doctor. And may I say it's due to your kill and scare that I finally... 192 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,920 Of course he did. It's what they call a Freudian slip. 193 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:03,320 It's not a Freudian slip, because he simply got it the wrong way round. 194 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:04,900 Yeah, I should have been scared and killed. 195 00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:08,300 All right, let's try again, shall we? Sorry. 196 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:09,520 Okay. 197 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,080 Action. 198 00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:16,240 Well, how are we feeling today, old chap? 199 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:20,820 Very much better, Doctor. And may I say, it's due to your skill and care that I 200 00:11:20,820 --> 00:11:26,960 find myself in the... in the happy position I find myself in the present 201 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:32,510 In. My God, the boy is waffling. We can't go on like this. Sorry, everybody. 202 00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:35,590 Don't worry, Norman. It's perfectly all right. Okay. 203 00:11:36,010 --> 00:11:37,010 Settle down, everybody. 204 00:11:37,970 --> 00:11:38,970 Okay. 205 00:11:39,390 --> 00:11:40,390 Action. 206 00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:41,910 Power game. 207 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:47,210 Very much better, thank you, Doctor. And may I say, due to your skill and care, 208 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:51,270 that I find myself in this happy position after pain of months. He said 209 00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:53,750 months. We can't go on like this. It's ridiculous. 210 00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:59,090 Your understanding and compassion, Mr Thorpe. Well, get someone else. The 211 00:11:59,090 --> 00:12:00,090 a fool. 212 00:12:03,850 --> 00:12:04,850 Having trouble? 213 00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:10,110 You're filming again. I didn't realise. 214 00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:19,410 I've been out on the terrace reading a little Wordsworth. 215 00:12:20,410 --> 00:12:22,290 We both have the same feeling for nature. 216 00:12:23,050 --> 00:12:28,890 I find it a great solace watching the leaves fall and knowing that after 217 00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:31,970 there'll always be another... spring. 218 00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:36,390 What do you think, Harry? 219 00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:38,410 Wonderful, Phil. 220 00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:42,830 Right, everybody over here, please. 221 00:12:43,150 --> 00:12:44,350 Hey, what about me? 222 00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:46,550 Never mind, Norman. That's show business. 223 00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:51,110 Are you going to be ready soon, Mr Glover? Sure, sir. 224 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:55,760 teasing out a few curls, Phil. It's not every day one affairs on television. 225 00:12:56,140 --> 00:12:59,380 Now then, do you think this dressing gown will suit? Will you be able to pick 226 00:12:59,380 --> 00:13:00,380 out the colours? 227 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,000 Yeah, yeah, that'll be fine. And what about make -up? Oh, that won't be 228 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,000 necessary. 229 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,960 Oh. Oh, my, now, have you still got time to wipe it off? 230 00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:12,040 I'm not wearing any figures, actually. It's at times like this that I thank God 231 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,860 that I've got a good skin. Now, Phil, I'd like to get my best side, so what 232 00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,260 position would you like me to take up? 233 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:18,520 Face downwards. 234 00:13:21,230 --> 00:13:23,650 Betty Norman, you've had your chance. Now it's mine. 235 00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:28,210 Look, Mr Glover, I would like to point out that this is supposed to be a film 236 00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:29,210 about the Doctor. 237 00:13:29,770 --> 00:13:33,150 Yes, but let's be frank. Even his best friends wouldn't call him handsome. 238 00:13:34,330 --> 00:13:37,150 He's rather colourless. In fact, I think that he's going to come across as 239 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,150 rather beige. 240 00:13:38,910 --> 00:13:41,670 It'll be about as exciting as watching a plank walk. 241 00:13:44,270 --> 00:13:47,190 However, you know your business. Just tell me where the cameras are. 242 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,000 Don't worry, Mr Glover, just leave everything up to us. Yes, and Phil, 243 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,940 us get too disciplined. You see, I tend to get rather inventive, so if I do 244 00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:57,180 something rather unexpected, just keep the cameras rolling. 245 00:13:58,140 --> 00:14:02,360 Yes, well, you just let us know as soon as you're ready and try and keep it 246 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,360 natural. Right -o, Phil. 247 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,920 Natural? It's about as natural as a plastic dapper dill. Eat your heart out, 248 00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:08,460 Norman Binns. You're only jealous. 249 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,800 He's right, Norman. 250 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,040 We shouldn't be envious. 251 00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:14,980 Well, that's very nice of you figures. I rather thought that you wanted to be 252 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,900 on. I wouldn't mind, but that's not the point. 253 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,340 The big thing is that one of the patients is getting a look in for a 254 00:14:21,340 --> 00:14:22,340 that's important. 255 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,200 Now, watch Thorpe. 256 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,300 He'll try and mask you, Archie. 257 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:31,360 What do you mean? He'll stand in front of you so no -one will see you. Will he 258 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,120 indeed? Or he'll upstage you. 259 00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:36,180 Upstage me? What does that mean, Norman? 260 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:40,120 He'll keep turning you towards him so that you've got your back to the camera. 261 00:14:40,260 --> 00:14:42,300 You see, we want you to look good, Archie. 262 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:46,500 Patients are always portrayed as empty husks lying around with all the medical 263 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:51,080 staff. Get the glamour. Now, you can redress the balance. 264 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,660 This could be your big chance, Archie. 265 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,060 This could lead to something. 266 00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:58,020 This time next year, you could be reading the news. 267 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,140 You could be another Angela Rippon. 268 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:08,440 Guest appearances on Call My Bluff and, dare we say it, Blankety Blank. 269 00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:13,140 But it won't happen if all we see is the back of your head. Don't worry, Figgis, 270 00:15:13,220 --> 00:15:14,940 won't be seeing the back of my head, I can assure you. 271 00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:18,120 Don't forget, plenty of business with the old stick and the old book of verse 272 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,260 and plenty of those perceptive insights. 273 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,600 Yes, all right, Figgis. 274 00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:25,980 I think the viewer will be particularly interested in my philosophy of life. 275 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:27,880 Well, you can tell them I'm ready. 276 00:15:32,820 --> 00:15:35,340 Are you ready yet, Figgis? Almost, Doctor. 277 00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:36,580 Well, let's get on with it. 278 00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:38,400 I just want to say, uh... 279 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:42,060 Well, I'm sorry the way things are going. What do you mean, the way things 280 00:15:42,060 --> 00:15:44,600 going? Well, there's supposed to be a day in your life. There won't be much 281 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,660 chance of that with old Rita Garbo in there. 282 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:52,120 Trouble is, everyone's trying to get in on the act. Yes, including you, Figures. 283 00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:55,800 Well, at least I'm not taller than you. He's six foot two, Doctor. 284 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,040 He's going to make you look like a dwarf. 285 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,800 You'll be trotting beside him like Quasimodo. 286 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,020 I'm lucky to get you ready. 287 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:07,180 Ah, you're forgetting one thing, Figures. The camera will be trained on 288 00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:09,350 I'm not so sure, Doctor. He's looking good. 289 00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:12,290 He's been slapping on the rouge ever since this thing started. 290 00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:15,990 And I think he's borrowed some eye shadow from Sister. 291 00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:20,830 Just don't let him upstage you, that's all. But how can he upstage me, figures? 292 00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:24,390 By turning your back to the camera so all we'll see is that bald patch on the 293 00:16:24,390 --> 00:16:25,390 back of your head. 294 00:16:26,290 --> 00:16:30,350 Oh, it's an old trick, Doctor. He'll be smiling to the camera and you'll just be 295 00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:31,730 a white coat flapping around. 296 00:16:32,090 --> 00:16:33,310 Well, we'll see about that. 297 00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:36,170 Ah, we're ready for you now, Mr. Tarr. Good turn. 298 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:38,400 What's happened to your moustache? 299 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,220 Oh, shaved it off. 300 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,200 I think I look better without it. 301 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,900 I think I look more interesting, don't you agree? 302 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,360 No, I don't. It's supposed to be a day in my life, not yours. 303 00:16:48,820 --> 00:16:50,740 You won't be going in front of the cameras. 304 00:16:51,020 --> 00:16:53,960 Or they might possibly show us your hand as you pass with the case notes. 305 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,340 Now stop this charade and grow it again at once. 306 00:17:04,540 --> 00:17:08,609 So, all we want you to do, Mr Thorpe, is... to walk down the centre of the 307 00:17:08,609 --> 00:17:13,050 with Mr Glover and seem into his bed, passing the time of day, that sort of 308 00:17:13,050 --> 00:17:14,050 thing. Okay. 309 00:17:15,609 --> 00:17:16,609 Okay. 310 00:17:17,810 --> 00:17:20,550 Action. Do you think somebody could dab my bra? 311 00:17:23,150 --> 00:17:25,609 I think I'm beginning to glisten a little. 312 00:17:25,869 --> 00:17:27,030 Certainly, Mr Glover. 313 00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:31,510 Okay, that's fine. 314 00:17:31,810 --> 00:17:32,810 Thanks. 315 00:17:50,090 --> 00:17:51,090 No, that's impossible. 316 00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:52,309 He's too tall. 317 00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:55,030 If you want me to do that, he'll have to crouch. I'm not going to crouch. 318 00:17:56,770 --> 00:17:57,770 I'd look ridiculous. 319 00:17:57,950 --> 00:17:59,250 Well, that's just a thought. Carry on. 320 00:18:00,270 --> 00:18:01,270 Okay. 321 00:18:01,990 --> 00:18:02,990 Well, 322 00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:07,510 I've had a look at the test results, Glover, and everything seems to be fine. 323 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,810 You should be out of here in no time at all. 324 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,290 Wait a minute, Doctor. 325 00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,220 on this stick if everything were fine. 326 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,060 You can tell me the truth. I can take it. 327 00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:26,820 After all, what is life but a game played by fools? 328 00:18:29,220 --> 00:18:32,740 I can assure you, Glover, there's nothing the matter with you at all. 329 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,480 I'm just happy that I've led a full life. 330 00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:42,720 I've crammed more into my few years than most people have in a lifetime. 331 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,740 I've warmed both my hands at the fire of life and now it sinks. 332 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:49,880 I'm ready to depart. 333 00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:52,640 Why don't you, Glover? 334 00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:56,300 Is he going to go on like this all the time? It's supposed to be a day in my 335 00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:57,300 life, not his. 336 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,240 I'm just trying to add a little colour, that's all. I can't help it if you look 337 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,500 bad, Thorpe. I don't look bad. I don't look anything. I can't look in, not with 338 00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:06,060 you gabbling. I'm not gabbling. Last we're on the subject, would you stop 339 00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:08,560 to hog the camera? After all, your face isn't exactly going to launch a thousand 340 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,560 ships. 341 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,800 Right. That's it, Gary. 342 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,600 I refuse to go on. 343 00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,020 I'm sorry, Mr Glover. What about Gary? 344 00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:20,720 I'm afraid we're going to have to find someone else. 345 00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:29,000 I see. 346 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:31,940 Am I tonight, is it? 347 00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:35,700 Sorry, Phil. 348 00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:40,700 Look, can't we find somebody who looks more like an ordinary patient? 349 00:19:57,110 --> 00:19:58,710 Just look at him, Norman. 350 00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:02,330 The thing some people will do just to get onto television. 351 00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:07,550 I don't know how they could choose someone so grotesque. 352 00:20:09,170 --> 00:20:11,750 And just look at that hideous dressing gown. 353 00:20:12,030 --> 00:20:15,770 I never thought he'd be like that, Archie, the way he's creeping around 354 00:20:15,890 --> 00:20:17,890 I thought at least he'd stand up for the patients. 355 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,400 I want to get this right, Mr Thorpe. Just you tell me what you want me to 356 00:20:22,460 --> 00:20:23,460 and I'll say it. 357 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:27,360 Because after all, I mean, this is your show. I mean, we're just your acolytes, 358 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,700 really. What was it again? 359 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:32,840 Well, all you have to say is, I'm feeling a little better today. Thank 360 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,560 Thorpe. Let's see if I can get that right. 361 00:20:35,580 --> 00:20:37,280 I'm feeling a little better today. 362 00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:38,740 Thank you. 363 00:20:39,140 --> 00:20:42,440 Yes, yes, I think I've got that. You see, I want to memorise it. I don't want 364 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,940 have to extemporise. I think it's important that we both know what we're 365 00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:47,760 Would you like to hold my hand, Doctor? 366 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,140 No. I don't think that's been necessary, Figgis. Please yourself, Doctor. 367 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,320 I'm all wired up properly, am I, Gary? 368 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,620 Yes, Mr Figgis. Now, this is going to be very brief, because we are running out 369 00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:02,480 of time. Yes, yes, I understand. I'll just try and follow Mr Thorpe's lead. 370 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,400 I won't move around too much, because I don't want to mask him from the cameras 371 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,480 or anything like that. I'll just sit back here. 372 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:10,720 Or perhaps you'd like me lying down with my hands over my head. 373 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,360 Is that all right for you, Mr Thorpe? 374 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,200 Ready, Mr Thorpe? Yes, I'm ready. 375 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,880 Right, and I don't want you to hear anything, Mr Thorpe, because I'll just 376 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,540 sitting here watching you. 377 00:21:23,060 --> 00:21:24,060 Good luck, everyone. 378 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:27,360 OK. 379 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,740 And action. 380 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,000 Well, figures, how are we today? 381 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,520 Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Doctor, because for some time I've been 382 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:36,920 these terrible pains in my stomach. 383 00:21:37,780 --> 00:21:40,880 And when I complain about them, I'm told there's nothing to worry about. 384 00:21:41,820 --> 00:21:44,820 You're a fool, Doctor, if there's nothing to worry about. Why all these X 385 00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:48,520 I'm not right down here and you know it. The job's been botched and I want to 386 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:49,820 know what you're going to do about it. 387 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:55,180 Well, don't be ridiculous, Piggots. All you have is a mild post -operative 388 00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:58,880 infection. Yes, and why? Because the standard of hygiene in this hospital is 389 00:21:58,880 --> 00:21:59,940 great deal to be desired. 390 00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:03,340 We have the highest fatality rate in the country. 391 00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:05,960 Streptococci is rampant in the canteen. 392 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,420 It's the only thing that gives the food any taste. 393 00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:10,240 There's nothing wrong with it, good Piggots. 394 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,880 There's nothing right with it. it all comes out of packets where's the 395 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,540 in that they should throw the food away and boil the packets at least we get 396 00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:22,220 some vitamins get back into bed at once no it's time someone stood up for the 397 00:22:22,220 --> 00:22:26,540 patients everybody ignores us it's time we had our say we've been kept in 398 00:22:26,540 --> 00:22:31,340 ignorance too long and that's my main complaint nobody tells us a bloody thing 399 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,300 Well, you shouldn't complain. It's a wonderful hospital. They work miracles 400 00:23:18,300 --> 00:23:21,040 every day. I, for one, can't speak too highly of them. 401 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:25,160 He's right, Roy. Don't whine. Be a man. Take life as it comes. Make it swell you 402 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,720 in the eye. Live each tear as though it were your last. Enough of this 403 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:28,800 platitude, Archie. 404 00:23:29,060 --> 00:23:30,380 Let's tell the truth for once. 405 00:23:30,620 --> 00:23:32,700 Let's show the public what it's really like. 406 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,020 This is my show. 407 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:55,760 I know I am. I'm sure I am. I make things seem wild. 408 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:57,980 Yes, I make things seem wild. 409 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:00,380 I make things seem wild.